Aha! ha, ha! younger than any of them, Emily.
LADY BROCKLEHURST. Flatterer. (To LADY MARY.) You seem in high spirits, Mary.
LADY MARY (gaily). I am.
LADY BROCKLEHURST (with a significant glance at LORD BROCKLEHURST). After--
LADY MARY. I--I mean. The fact is--
(Again that disconcerting glance between the Countess and her son.)
LORD LOAM (humorously). She hears wedding bells, Emily, ha, ha!
LADY BROCKLEHURST (coldly). Do you, Mary? Can't say I do; but I'm hard of hearing.
LADY MARY (instantly her match). If you don't, Lady Brocklehurst, I'm sure I don't.
LORD LOAM (nervously). Tut, tut. Seen our curios from the island, Emily; I should like you to examine them.
LADY BROCKLEHURST. Thank you, Henry. I am glad you say that, for I have just taken the liberty of asking two of them to step upstairs. (There is an uncomfortable silence, which the entrance of CRICHTON with TWEENY does not seem to dissipate. CRICHTON is impenetrable, but TWEENY hangs back in fear.)
LORD BROCKLEHURST (stoutly). Loam, I have no hand in this.
LADY BROCKLEHURST (undisturbed). Pooh, what have I done? You always begged me to speak to the servants, Henry, and I merely wanted to discover whether the views you used to hold about equality were adopted on the island; it seemed a splendid opportunity, but Mr. Woolley has not a word on the subject.
(All eyes turn to ERNEST.)
ERNEST (with confidence). The fact is--
(The fatal words again.)
LORD LOAM (not quite certain what he is to assure her of). I assure you, Emily--
LADY MARY (as cold as steel). Father, nothing whatever happened on the island of which I, for one, am ashamed, and I hope Crichton will be allowed to answer Lady Brocklehurst's questions.
LADY BROCKLEHURST. To be sure. There's nothing to make a fuss about, and we're a family party. (To CRICHTON.) Now, truthfully, my man.
CRICHTON (calmly). I promise that, my lady.
(Some hearts sink, the hearts that could never understand a Crichton.)
LADY BROCKLEHURST (sharply). Well, were you all equal on the island?
CRICHTON. No, my lady. I think I may say there was as little equality there as elsewhere.
LADY BROCKLEHURST. Ah the social distinctions were preserved?
CRICHTON. As at home, my lady.
LADY BROCKLEHURST. The servants?
CRICHTON. They had to keep their place.
LADY BROCKLEHURST. Wonderful. How was it managed? (With an inspiration.) You, girl, tell me that?
(Can there be a more critical moment?)
TWEENY (in agony). If you please, my lady, it was all the Gov.'s doing.
(They give themselves up for lost. LORD LOAM tries to sink out of sight.)
CRICHTON. In the regrettable slang of the servants' hall, my lady, the master is usually referred to as the Gov.
LADY BROCKLEHURST. I see. (She turns to LORD LOAM.) You--
LORD LOAM (reappearing). Yes, I understand that is what they call me.
LADY BROCKLEHURST (to CRICHTON). You didn't even take your meals with the family?
CRICHTON. No, my lady, I dined apart.
(Is all safe?)
LADY BROCKLEHURST (alas). You, girl, also? Did you dine with Crichton?
TWEENY (scared). No, your ladyship.
LADY BROCKLEHURST (fastening on her). With whom?
TWEENY. I took my bit of supper with--with Daddy and Polly and the rest.
(Vae victis.)
ERNEST (leaping into the breach). Dear old Daddy--he was our monkey. You remember our monkey, Agatha?
AGATHA. Rather! What a funny old darling he was.
CATHERINE (thus encouraged). And don't you think Polly was the sweetest little parrot, Mary?
LADY BROCKLEHURST. Ah! I understand; animals you had domesticated?
LORD LOAM (heavily). Quite so--quite so.
LADY BROCKLEHURST. The servants' teas that used to take place here once a month--
CRICHTON. They did not seem natural on the island, my lady, and were discontinued by the Gov.'s orders.
LORD BROCKLEHURST. A clear proof, Loam, that they were a mistake here.
LORD LOAM (seeing the opportunity for a diversion). I admit it frankly. I abandon them. Emily, as the result of our experiences on the island, I think of going over to the Tories.