I mean I wouldn't. Now if I had said that, what would have made me say it? (Suspiciously.) George, is Mary all we think her?
LORD BROCKLEHURST (with unexpected spirit). If she wasn't, mother, you would know it.
LADY BROCKLEHURST. Hold your tongue, boy. We don't really know what happened on that island.
LORD BROCKLEHURST. You were reading the book all the morning.
LADY BROCKLEHURST. How can I be sure that the book is true?
LORD BROCKLEHURST. They all talk of it as true.
LADY BROCKLEHURST. How do I know that they are not lying?
LORD BROCKLEHURST. Why should they lie?
LADY BROCKLEHURST. Why shouldn't they? (She reflects again.) If I had been wrecked on an island, I think it highly probable that I should have lied when I came back. Weren't some servants with them?
LORD BROCKLEHURST. Crichton, the butler. (He is surprised to see her ring the bell.) Why, mother, you are not going to--
LADY BROCKLEHURST. Yes, I am. (Pointedly.) George, watch whether Crichton begins any of his answers to my questions with 'The fact is.'
LORD BROCKLEHURST. Why?
LADY BROCKLEHURST. Because that is usually the beginning of a lie.
LORD BROCKLEHURST (as CRICHTON opens the door). Mother, you can't do these things in other people's houses.
LADY BROCKLEHURST (coolly, to CRICHTON). It was I who rang. (Surveying him through her eyeglass.) So you were one of the castaways, Crichton?
CRICHTON. Yes, my lady.
LADY BROCKLEHURST. Delightful book Mr. Woolley has written about your adventures. (CRICHTON bows.) Don't you think so?
CRICHTON. I have not read it, my lady.
LADY BROCKLEHURST. Odd that they should not have presented you with a copy.
LORD BROCKLEHURST. Presumably Crichton is no reader.
LADY BROCKLEHURST. By the way, Crichton, were there any books on the island?
CRICHTON. I had one, my lady--Henley's poems.
LORD BROCKLEHURST. Never heard of him.
(CRICHTON again bows.)
LADY BROCKLEHURST (who has not heard of him either). I think you were not the only servant wrecked?
CRICHTON. There was a young woman, my lady.
LADY BROCKLEHURST. I want to see her. (CRICHTON bows, but remains.) Fetch her up. (He goes.)
LORD BROCKLEHURST (almost standing up to his mother). This is scandalous.
LADY BROCKLEHURST (defining her position). I am a mother.
(CATHERINE and AGATHA enter in dazzling confections, and quake in secret to find themselves practically alone with LADY BROCKLEHURST.)
(Even as she greets them.) How d'you do, Catherine--Agatha? You didn't dress like this on the island, I expect! By the way, how did you dress?
(They have thought themselves prepared, but--)
AGATHA. Not--not so well, of course, but quite the same idea.
(They are relieved by the arrival of TREHERNE, who is in clerical dress.)
LADY BROCKLEHURST. How do you do, Mr. Treherne? There is not so much of you in the book as I had hoped.
TREHERNE (modestly). There wasn't very much of me on the island, Lady Brocklehurst.
LADY BROCKLEHURST. How d'ye mean? (He shrugs his honest shoulders.)
LORD BROCKLEHURST. I hear you have got a living, Treherne. Congratulations.
TREHERNE. Thanks.
LORD BROCKLEHURST. Is it a good one?
TREHERNE. So--so. They are rather weak in bowling, but it's a good bit of turf. (Confidence is restored by the entrance of ERNEST, who takes in the situation promptly, and, of course, knows he is a match for any old lady.)
ERNEST (with ease). How do you do, Lady Brocklehurst.
LADY BROCKLEHURST. Our brilliant author!
ERNEST (impervious to satire). Oh, I don't know.
LADY BROCKLEHURST. It is as engrossing, Mr. Woolley, as if it were a work of fiction.
ERNEST (suddenly uncomfortable). Thanks, awfully. (Recovering.) The fact is--(He is puzzled by seeing the Brocklehurst family exchange meaning looks.)
CATHERINE (to the rescue). Lady Brocklehurst, Mr. Treherne and I--we are engaged.
AGATHA. And Ernest and I.
LADY BROCKLEHURST (grimly). I see, my dears; thought it wise to keep the island in the family.
(An awkward moment this for the entrance of LORD LOAM and LADY MARY, who, after a private talk upstairs, are feeling happy and secure.)
LORD LOAM (with two hands for his distinguished guest).