'No, no, Frank, I don't know what I should do without it. You have no idea what a wise old book it is. Now, sit there on the footstool at my feet, and I will read to you.'
'Do, dear; it's delightful.'
'Sit quiet, then, and be good. Now listen to this pearl of wisdom: "As with the commander of an army, so it is with the mistress of a house. Her spirit will be seen through the whole establishment, and, just in proportion as she performs her duties thoroughly, so will her domestics follow in her path."'
'From which it follows,' said her husband, 'that Jemima must be a perfect paragon.'
'On the contrary, it explains all Jemima's shortcomings. Listen to this: "Early rising is one of the most essential qualities. When a mistress is an early riser, it is almost certain that her house will be orderly and well managed."'
'Well, you are down at nine--what more do you want?'
'At nine! I am sure that Mrs. Beeton was always up at six.'
'I have my doubts about Mrs. B. Methinks the lady doth protest too much. I should not be very much surprised to learn that she had breakfast in bed every morning.'
'O Frank! You have no reverence for anything.'
'Let us have some more wisdom.'
'"Frugality and Economy are home virtues without which no household can prosper. Dr. Johnson says, 'Frugality may be termed--'"
'Oh, bother Dr. Johnson! Who cares for a man's opinion. Now, if it had been Mrs. Johnson--!'
'Johnson kept house for himself for years--and a queer job he made of it.'
'So I should think.' Maude tossed her pretty curls. 'Mrs. Beeton is all right, but I will not be lectured by Dr. Johnson. Where was I? Oh yes--"'We must always remember that to manage a little well, is a great merit in housekeeping."'
'Hurrah! Down with the second vegetable! No pudding on fish days. Vive la biere de Pilsen!'
'What a noisy boy you are!'
'This book excites me. Anything more?'
"Friendships should not be hastily formed, nor the heart given at once to every newcomer--"'
'Well, I should hope not! Don't let me catch you at it! You don't mind my cigarette? Has Mrs. Beeton a paragraph about smoking in bedrooms?'
'Such an enormity never occurred to her as a remote possibility. If she had known you, dear, she would have had to write an appendix to her book to meet all the new problems which you would suggest. Shall I go on?'
'Please do!'
'She next treats conversation. "In conversation, trifling occurrences such as small disappointments, petty annoyances, and other everyday incidents, should never be mentioned to friends. If the mistress be a wife, never let a word in connection with her husband's failings pass her lips--"'
'By Jove, this book has more wisdom to the square inch than any work of man,' cried Frank, in enthusiasm.
'I thought that would please you. "Good temper should be cultivated by every mistress, as upon it the welfare of the household may be said to turn."'
'Excellent!'
'"In starting a household, it is always best in the long-run to get the very best articles of their kind."'
'That is why I got you, Maude.'
'Thank you, sir. We have a dissertation then upon dress and fashion, another upon engaging domestics, another about daily duties, another about visiting, another about fresh air and exercise--'
'The most essential of any,' cried Frank, jumping up, and pulling his wife by the arms out of her low wicker-chair. 'There is just time for nine holes at golf before it is dark, if you wilt come exactly as you are. But listen to this, young lady. If ever again I see you fretting or troubling yourself about your household affairs--'
'No, no, Frank, I won't!'
'Well, if you do, Mrs. Beeton goes into the kitchen-fire. Now remember?'
'You are sure you don't envy Mr. Beeton?'
'I don't envy a man upon earth.'
'Then why should I try to be Mrs. Beeton?'
'Why indeed?'
'O Frank, what a load off my mind! Those sixteen hundred pages have just lain upon it for months. Dear old boy! come on!'
And they clattered downstairs for their golf-clubs.